The Blog

There comes a moment in almost everyone’s life when they feel wronged, cheated, or hurt. Whether it’s a missed promotion at work, a critical comment from a friend, or a scathing social media post, the sting of those moments can feel unbearable. You’re filled with rage, frustration, and a surge of adrenaline. Naturally, your first instinct might be to retaliate, maybe by firing off a text, an email, or even an old school letter to express your grievances.

But here’s the thing, you might want to take a step back before diving in, keyboard blazing. Yes, you know better, and yes, you want to show them that what they did is unacceptable. But trust me, you’ll regret it if you act in the heat of the moment.

Remember that famous advice given to naval officers? It offers rules for communication, and one of the most vital practices is this:

“They prosper, who burn in the morning, the letters they wrote overnight.”

In essence, the idea is to sleep on it. Give it a day or two. Allow those intense feelings of anger to simmer down before you decide to air your thoughts. Let’s chat about why taking that approach can save you from a world of regret.

The Heat of the Moment

Anger can cloud our judgment. When we’re seeing red, we might write things we don’t actually mean or exaggerate our emotions. Have you ever had a friend tell you about an epic email they wrote in anger, celebrating their moment of righteous indignation, only to report later that they regretted hitting “send”?

It’s so easy to draw battle lines when we feel attacked, but often those lines can backfire. It’s essential to recognise that what feels like a personal affront may have nothing to do with you. The person on the other end could be having a terrible day, might be stressed out about their own issues, or it may even be a completely innocent mistake.

This brings us back to that old saying: “count to a hundred.” While it seems quaint, there’s genuine merit behind the advice. Why? Because it gives you space to step back and reassess.

Great Minds Think Alike: The Stoics

Let’s take a look at Athenodorus, one of the lesser known Stoics, who advised none other than Octavian, future Caesar Augustus on the very same principle. This ancient wisdom still holds true! The concept of delaying reaction during anger transcends centuries.

When Athenodorus told Octavian to repeat the 24 letters of the alphabet whenever he felt angry, he wasn’t just sharing a quirky mnemonic. He was providing timeless wisdom on the importance of pause. This practice would help Octavian gather his thoughts and consider his words before expressing them, something that could not only prevent conflicts but could also shape him into a wise leader.

Emotional Responses Aren’t Always Intelligent Responses

This is where it becomes critical to understand that our emotional responses aren’t always our most intelligent. It’s not about silencing yourself; it’s about ensuring that what you’re about to say conveys your truth effectively.

When we react impulsively, we often address the surface issue: “You were wrong, and here’s why!” What we fail to explore in that moment is the deeper conversation: “What were your motivations? How can we resolve this effectively?” This is where open dialogue can flourish.

Take that experience of drafting a scathing email to your boss after they made a misstep. After a good night’s sleep, you might realise that with some adjustments or a request for clarification, you could address the misunderstanding without burning bridges. Your anger is valid, but how you channel that anger is what matters.

The Power of Calm Conversation

If you can give it a pause, you create room for a calm, measured conversation. Deliberate communication has a profound effect on outcomes. Ask yourself what was at the root of your anger. Were your expectations unmet?

Replace “You did this terrible thing” with “I feel disappointed by this situation.” More often than not, expressing how an action made you feel invites empathy rather than defensiveness.

Another marvel of waiting is that you may gather more data regarding what transpired. Sometimes, information we lacked in the moment can drastically alter our perception. Perhaps you’ll receive clarification or find related context that helps you navigate the situation more gracefully.

Constructing Your Thoughts

Once you’ve decided to wait, what do you do next? Spend time organising your thoughts. You might want to jot down the key points you want to address, but do this without the pressure of emotional outbursts. Through this method, you can engage in a kind of self reflection that prioritises your feelings and thoughts without succumbing to anger.

Ask yourself some introspective questions:

• How does this situation impact me?
• What outcome do I genuinely want?
• How can I present my perspective in a way that encourages constructive dialogue?

Taking this approach can lead to a well articulated letter or message to your boss, or whoever needs to hear from you. And you’ll sound way more in control and collected than if you’d blurted something out in a fit of rage!

Practicing Patience

Of course, there will be times when you’ll feel the itch to respond instantly. Resist that urge! Maybe commit to a “cool off” period. Even if it’s just for a few hours, that delay can make a world of difference. During that time, take a walk, go for coffee, or chat with a friend about what you’re feeling. Venting can help, too, but aim to vent with a trusted ally who can ground you.

As you practice this patience, remind yourself that not only is this less stressful, but it might also be wiser. After all, cutting out the need for retractions, apologies, or regrettable outcomes will give you peace of mind.

The Recovery Process

Once you’ve sent that carefully crafted message or letter, there might still be fear about how it will be received. Will they understand? Will they come back at you with more anger? You can’t control their reaction, but you can control how you’ve set the tone for your communication.

And if things don’t unfold as you hoped? It’s not the end of the world. Even the best responses may lead to difficult conversations. But maintaining calmness and practicing clear communication opens pathways that hostility simply cannot reach.

Take heart, because even if it becomes a challenge, know that you acted more thoughtfully than if you had reacted impulsively. And who knows? You may even find that the other person responds more positively, appreciative of your thoughtful approach.

Looking Forward

In our fast paced world driven by social media and instant messages, it’s easy to feel pressured to respond immediately. But don’t fall into that trap. Emulate timeless wisdom instead: do not say or act until you’ve calmed down. By taking control of your reactions and allowing yourself time to breathe, you end up with outcomes that are not only more satisfying but contribute to better relationships.

There’s a beautiful empowerment in approaching conflict decisively and thoughtfully, rather than hastily. So next time someone wrongs you, remember this advice. You know better, and you’ll show them… just not right now.

Have patience, and maybe count to a hundred again. You’ve got this!